Her Last Words
by Kensi JJ
Summary: What if Kensi had been battling depression for years? What if all the loss in her life had just made of worse? Completely AU trigger warning mentions eating disorders, abuse, self harm and suicidal thoughts or actions. On hiatus
1. Chapter 1

A/N

Sorry I haven't updated my other stories In so long I've just not had a break to write. I'll update the others soon as possible but it may be a while. This is probably gonna bea two shot unless there is a want for more. This is farfetched and based off just what could have been when jack left kensi if kensi had sunk into depression and if jack had abused her during flashbacks then when she was with deeks he had returned putting the full blame in her for his leaving and everything he went through. Also afganistan never happened and neither did the case of 7x14. Its loosely based around the song 'her last words' by Courtney Parker. This story also suggests that kensi was bullied in school before her fathers murder. This is definitely AU. Kensi and Deeks are not together

Disclaimer: I wish I could own ncis and I'm nowhere near talented enough to take credit for her last words

Trigger warning: Contains mentions of eating disorders, bullying, abuse, self harm and suicidal thoughts/actions.

Kensi JJ xx

Her last words.

Kensi Blye had finally had enough. She had been told for years that she was a horrible person that no one could love to the point where she started to believe it and when her father had died she started to believe it when others say he could have fought but didn't because he wanted to get away from his emotionally stunted daughter. Living on the streets had taught her that no matter what the only person that could ever be counted on to stay by your side forever was yourself and that if you're not useful to somebody you're probably not wanted there.

She had been dealt a bad life as her mother was an alcoholic and occasionally abusive until she left when Kensi was just 8 years old. She had been bullied from the age of 6 because she liked the can!ping and fishing which most girls had been told was for boys and they should focus on make up and what clothes they would wear to which party. Even worse with her brains Kensi was an outsider whos mind worked much faster than everyone else's. Kensi could genuinely not fathom how their minds could see these inns more important than learning survival skills.

As she got older Kensi began to realize that there was a clear divide between her and every other girl she knew and was constantly told to give up her dreams because a man would always be chosen first and everybody would look down on her because of her gender. Kensi was 11 when she made the first cut. It was a hunting accident two weeks before that had convinces her it was a good idea. She had fell and cut her arm but as the incision was made she felt her mind and truly felt at peace with herself for the first time in years. This tiny hole had given her perfect clarity. She tried not to crack under pressure but was soon finding herself longing for the feeling that cut had given her. The first was shallow and small on a finger tip which she passed off as picking up a knife awkwardly and her father believed her.

On top of all the pressure Kensi was being put under to fit in she also had her teachers pushing her to do better and this just added to the growing list of worries in her head. These started causing headaches which only relieved when a cut was made. By the time she was 14 Kensi was an avid self harmer and it was a closely guarded secret. No one ever found out.

The night her dad died would be the biggest trigger causing her a full breakdown as she also dealt with tremendous amounts of guilt and pain. The night he had died Kensi had been disobedient for the first time. She had been told to stay in and she went to the movies anyway. She couldn't help thinking that maybe if she had stayed home, he would still be with them. She ended up homeless with no one to care for her. She faced some horrific things during this time and they could never be scrubbed from her mind. When she finally got off the streets, her scars ran deep and long on her body but she could still cover them with ease.

She met Jack Simon, a marine. She remembered the day that he received his deployment notice. He was to go to assist in Fallujah. She went to drop him off the day he was deployed and she remembered the fear in the pit of her stomach about him never coming home. The day he returned, from the first glance she could tell something had changed. She spent months trying to help him, trying to keep him sane, trying to bring him back to her. In the end it was useless. He had not come back to her and what was worse was that he got violent during flashbacks and her broken self esteem dropped lower than she ever felt possible. When he left her at Christmas, he didn't leave a note and Kensi took that as him not even caring enough to say goodbye. Kensi had been lost not knowing what to do or think.

In the end she applied for NCIS but made sure that her ever growing collection of cuts and scars were hidden at all times. She was able to hide her secret constantly and no one even had an idea that things weren't as good as they seemed. As time wore on, Me so began to find a sense of meaning and happiness in herself again. When Deeks had joined the team she had found the start a little rocky but eventually found him a great partner and friend. They grew close but Kensi still never told any of the team her secret. None of them ever considered the possibility of Kensi doing something like this.

But Kensi still felt out of control at times. After a few months, she found control in counting calories and limiting them. Within time this fell into a full blown eating disorder. But Kensi still thought that she was controlling it not the other way around. She went on in this manner for years until one day she got a knock on the door. Looking out Kensi didn't believe who she saw.

"Jack!"


	2. Chapter 2

Sorry it's been so long for updates but I lost heart for a while. I have some new ideas so I might just leave this as it is unless anyone wants me to continue. If you do review and I'll work on some new chapters. Keep reading and remember you're all amazing.

Kensi JJ xx


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